I have found my soulmates. Yes, plural.
Some of them I found in high school, others just came along my path, surprising me with their unconditional love. I can talk to them about anything, they accept and love me for who I am and they are always there when I need them. They are called: my best friends.
And I really do think that it is important to appreciate the good things in life, even when everything else is going wrong. For me, that’s them. I would be nowhere without them.
There was a time when I thought I could only be happy if I found everlasting love, the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet, all consuming, passionate love. But I came to the realization that love comes and goes and real friendships stays.
I was never totally myself in my relationships with men, I tried to please them, to put them in the first place, completely and utterly putting myself and my longings aside. Big mistake!
What’s a relationship if you can’t be yourself? If you have to pretend or hide your feelings and who you are?
Two of my best friends I met in high school. They were there through all my childish crushes, my first party, (and consequently, my first hangover) my teenage misery and my hopes for the future. We don’t see each other that often, but when we do, it’s like we’re 16 again, going on 17. (and immediately the song from the Sound of Music pops into my head)
Another one I met a few years later in school. I was staying with her and her family more than with my own. Her parents still call me their daughter. She got married to the wrong guy 10 years ago of which she was miserable for 5. There was a time we didn’t see each other much, but we always knew we had a place to go to, someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. I am her sister and partner in crime.
One I met on my first job when I was 20 years old. From that day on I considered her to be my spiritual mentor (not in a god-like kind of way, but in life) She saw who I really was: an insecure girl, afraid to show herself to the world and she completely changed the way I was looking at myself. And I was her diary. She lives far away with the love of her life and I only get to see her every six month or so but that doesn’t matter. She is the friend I have known in my past lives.
Then there’s a couple I met through my ex-boyfriend. (And to be honest, they are the best things I got out of that relationship). I could not imagine my life without them. They are not the two most easiest people to get on with, but what you get in return is unconditional friendship. They are the ones I go out with the most, and although these evenings mostly end up in them having a fight and me acting like a couples counselor, I still love them. They are the kind of people that will send you a get-well card when feeling ill, or they will bring you back a present when going on a holiday, or just surprise you by giving you a refrigerator magnet with a friendship quote on it. That’s how they show me how much they love me. And I will keep trying to be there for them both, that’s how I show them how much I love them.
Then there is the ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend (I know, how weird can it get?) But I don’t see her that way anymore. It turned out we really clicked. She has her problems, like everyone else, but the manner in which she faces them is just incredible. She is my wine-buddy and although she is super insecure (for which she has absolutely no reason because she is gorgeous!) I try to convince her that the woman she sees is the mirror is not the one I see when looking at her. She has a kind heart and a bright mind. How could you not love her?
My most recent BFF is one of the strongest people I know. You would think she is a tough shell on the outside, but she has the biggest heart of everyone I know. In the six years or so that I’ve known her, I have seen her change from a big mouth, opinionated-and-not-afraid-to-tell-it-out-loud kinda girl, into a succesfull, kind, funny, adoring and loving woman. She got to know the softer side of herself and the passionate woman that was hiding inside. Of all my friends she is the one I can talk to about everything, every thought I have, every doubt, every wish, every regret. And she will always listen and give me her honest advice. She knows my crazy side and my insecure side. And I know how she really feels, in spite of what she is showing to the outside world. I truly love her.
So you see, everyone has his own story, his own history, but the fact that I have found those people and was able to entwine their future with mine, makes me the most happy person in the world. I am loved. And I know that when I die, I will have had an impact on someone’s life.
I am not the kind of friend that will call everyday, or send postcards, or remember their birthday without having a calendar and reminders nearby, but I try to tell them all how much I love them and what they mean to me. Not by showing it, but by telling them, to their face, because then they know I really mean it.
So although I’m alone, I’m not really alone. And maybe one day I’ll find my lover, but I have met my soulmates a long time ago and I truly hope they are here to stay. (Because of course I will need their advice on my future lover)