You

If I could tell you all my dreams, you’d know you’re in every one of them.
If I could tell you all my hopes for the future, you’d know I’d hope for you.
If I could tell you all my scary thoughts, you’d know they are about losing you.
But how can I lose someone I never had?

You
It has always been you.
It will always be you.

Why can’t you see that?
Why can’t you see me?
Why can’t you see us?

It’s just you

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Ode to friends

I have found my soulmates. Yes, plural.

Some of them I found in high school, others just came along my path, surprising me with their unconditional love. I can talk to them about anything, they accept and love me for who I am and they are always there when I need them. They are called: my best friends.

And I really do think that it is important to appreciate the good things in life, even when everything else is going wrong. For me, that’s them. I would be nowhere without them.

There was a time when I thought I could only be happy if I found everlasting love, the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet, all consuming, passionate love. But I came to the realization that love comes and goes and real friendships stays.
I was never totally myself in my relationships with men, I tried to please them, to put them in the first place, completely and utterly putting myself and my longings aside. Big mistake!
What’s a relationship if you can’t be yourself? If you have to pretend or hide your feelings and who you are?

Two of my best friends I met in high school. They were there through all my childish crushes, my first party, (and consequently, my first hangover) my teenage misery and my hopes for the future. We don’t see each other that often, but when we do, it’s like we’re 16 again, going on 17. (and immediately the song from the Sound of Music pops into my head)

Another one I met a few years later in school. I was staying with her and her family more than with my own. Her parents still call me their daughter. She got married to the wrong guy 10 years ago of which she was miserable for 5. There was a time we didn’t see each other much, but we always knew we had a place to go to, someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. I am her sister and partner in crime.

One I met on my first job when I was 20 years old. From that day on I considered her to be my spiritual mentor (not in a god-like kind of way, but in life)  She saw who I really was: an insecure girl, afraid to show herself to the world and she completely changed the way I was looking at myself. And I was her diary. She lives far away with the love of her life and I only get to see her every six month or so but that doesn’t matter. She is the friend I have known in my past lives.

Then there’s a couple I met through my ex-boyfriend. (And to be honest, they are the best things I got out of that relationship). I could not imagine my life without them. They are not the two most easiest people to get on with, but what you get in return is unconditional friendship. They are the ones I go out with the most, and although these evenings mostly end up in them having a fight and me acting like a couples counselor, I still love them. They are the kind of people that will send you a get-well card when feeling ill, or they will bring you back a present when going on a holiday, or just surprise you by giving you a refrigerator magnet with a friendship quote on it. That’s how they show me how much they love me. And I will keep trying to be there for them both, that’s how I show them how much I love them.

Then there is the ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend (I know, how weird can it get?) But I don’t see her that way anymore. It turned out we really clicked. She has her problems, like everyone else, but the manner in which she faces them is just incredible. She is my wine-buddy and although she is super insecure (for which she has absolutely no reason because she is gorgeous!) I try to convince her that the woman she sees is the mirror is not the one I see when looking at her. She has a kind heart and a bright mind. How could you not love her?

My most recent BFF is one of the strongest people I know. You would think she is a tough shell on the outside, but she has the biggest heart of everyone I know. In the six years or so that I’ve known her, I have seen her change from a big mouth, opinionated-and-not-afraid-to-tell-it-out-loud kinda girl, into a succesfull, kind, funny, adoring and loving woman. She got to know the softer side of herself and the passionate woman that was hiding inside. Of all my friends she is the one I can talk to about everything, every thought I have, every doubt, every wish, every regret. And she will always listen and give me her honest advice. She knows my crazy side and my insecure side. And I know how she really feels, in spite of what she is showing to the outside world. I truly love her.

So you see, everyone has his own story, his own history, but the fact that I have found those people and was able to entwine their future with mine, makes me the most happy person in the world. I am loved. And I know that when I die, I will have had an impact on someone’s life.

I am not the kind of friend that will call everyday, or send postcards, or remember their birthday without having a calendar and reminders nearby, but I try to tell them all how much I love them and what they mean to me. Not by showing it, but by telling them, to their face, because then they know I really mean it.

So although I’m alone, I’m not really alone. And maybe one day I’ll find my lover, but I have met my soulmates a long time ago and I truly hope they are here to stay. (Because of course I will need their advice on my future lover)

I am me, I am woman!

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Destiny is a bitch you say? I agree, but how you go through life leading up to that fate is your own choice.

Even if life is not taking you on the path you wished for, even if destiny is not playing her best cards, even when everything seems to go wrong, even when you have the feeling you have no control over what’s happening in your life, there is always ONE thing you can control: the way you handle yourself!

I’ve been down some pretty dirty roads in life and every time I wondered: Why is this happening to me? When will it stop? What in heavens’ sake have I done wrong to deserve this?
Well guess what: asking questions to which you have no answers, won’t help at all!

So I changed a lot of things, but mostly I changed my attitude. Instead of asking myself: ‘When will I be okay?’, I now have a punchline that I repeat every day: ‘I will be okay, I will be okay, I will be okay.’

My mother, a woman that has also experienced first-hand how difficult life can be (as one of her kids became disabled after a terrible car crash), once told me something that has resonated in my ears for years:
In life we come across nothing that we can not survive’

And that’s so true. Everything bad that happens in life, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a terrible accident, a heartbreak, an illness…we are stronger than we believe to be. With the right attitude, the support of others and the believe that it will all be okay in the end, we can overcome way more than we give ourselves credit for. And yes, we’ll grief and cry and shut down for some time. In the end, it may have changed us, but it hasn’t destroyed us, and that’s what matters!

I bet everyone out there could tell me a story about something they went through which changed their lives forever. But what we must not forget if that everything that happened to us in life, has molded us to the person we’ve become today.

I still live with my ex in the house we bought three and a half years ago because of financial reasons which of course, I don’t like. I don’t have a relationship because of that situation. I am a corpulent person due to all the problems I’ve had in the past. My previous boyfriend robbed me of all my savings and was engaged three weeks after we’ve broken up. The house I’m living in can’t be sold because there is a lot of work to do. The man I like has no interest in me whatsoever.
I have plenty of reasons to feel shitty every single day but will it help me in any way? NO
Will time go faster? NO
Will those problems resolve on their own? NO
Will I let it influence the rest of my life? Definitely NOT!
Because of all of that I now know what I am looking for in a man, I know what I believe to be important in a relationship, I have learned that it’s not always my fault and most of all: I now know that you have to take risks in life to get what you want. I have a great job, a loving family, fantastic friends and the ability to put into perspective whatever comes my way. How could I ask for more?

Would I like to win the lottery tomorrow? YES
Would I like him to fall in love with me? YES
Would I like to get a company car? YES
Will it destroy me if these things don’t happen? Definitely NOT!

So instead of complaining, feeling down, thinking my life is miserable…I’m gonna say that I am a phenomenal woman! I am intelligent, I have a good sense of humor, I have beautiful eyes, I am loved by many, I am independent, I am strong and everything will be okay.

Listen to the song ‘I am woman’, by Helen Reddy…It just says it all:

Ooh yes, I am wise
But it is wisdom born of pain
Yes I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman

This is not easy I tell you. It took me years to discover that whatever happens, I will always get back on my feet, no matter what. And I am so much happier with myself right now, than I ever was.

The house will get sold eventually, I will find someone who is going to love me and all my flaws, karma will take care of the ex that treated me like shit and I will learn to love myself just the way I look. You see? Everything will be okay.

I’m getting too old for this sh*t

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When I was about 17 years old I went out every Friday and Saturday in a youth club with all my friends. We would spend the entire evening laughing, dancing, drinking and playing table football, not a care in the world! The next morning I would be my happy, sunny self, without having to cope with a headache, a growling stomach or an inability to smile. Those were my glory days.

I am 31 now and completely aware that time has had it’s toll and that I’ve lost the ability to recover within the next 12 hours, from a night out.

So is it really because I’m getting older? Or is it because I’m not ‘trained’ anymore? Some of you might think it odd that I wonder about this, but every single girl out there will know what I’m talking about. We don’t have kids to look after, we don’t have to be up at seven o’clock in the morning to make breakfast for anyone, so why wouldn’t we enjoy life at the fullest? And of course I would much more like to have someone to stay home with and cuddle with in the sofa while watching some cheesy movie, but unfortunately I have to make do with what I have now.

And it’s not just the day-after-feeling that I am resenting but most of all it’s all the drama that happens on a night out. Once the booze kicks in, everyone acts like the biggest drama queen/king ever! (And no, it’s not just me!) Everyone wants attention because they feel like they deserve it and they are entitled to suck you into their mindgames. All those minor problems become devastating and blown out of proportion, because their ability to put anything into perspective has completely and utterly vanished. It is just incredible how alcohol can change a person entirely, within a few hours.
And I don’t know why, but I always end up being the psychologist of the bunch. It’s like I have a blinking neon sign on my forehead reading: ‘tell me all your fucking problems‘ that can only be seen by drunk people. And though I always want to be kind and listen to someone when they are in pain or when they are having a crisis, I don’t want this on the one night that I want to forget all of MY troubles and thoughts! But it’s so difficult to say ‘I don’t care’ to someone you like, you know? And because they are drunk, who knows how they will react to your rejection..

And you can categorize them, those drunken people! Here are some of the different types I can classify when going out

  1. Funny people, like myself: we don’t care for drama, just want  laughter and fun. Everything, including ourselves, is much more funny when we’re drunk. Or at least we think we are. Everyone is our friend (being sometimes way too familiar, but who cares, I’m drunk so I’m allowed) and we can put anything into perspective and stay positive at any time. It seems the boundaries we have when sober, either emotionally or physically, slowly disappear with every shot we take and we feel good about ourselves, that’s until there’s an encounter with one of the other types.
  2. Emotional but positive: they are so happy to have you in their lives and they love everyone, and no matter how big the pile of shit is you are facing, you’ll get through it because you are the most strongest person they know and life is not about everything that goes wrong, but about the one thing that goes right. They have the tendency to get really clingy. They will not be the one dancing their ass off on the dancefloor, but they will look at you with a little tear in their eyes saying ‘I love you just the way you are’. Don’t you just love them?
  3. Emotional but negative: it seems alcohol for them is what they need to figure out their life is totally not going the way they’ve imagined it to be. And they really, really need to talk about it to someone immediately, so try to avoid these people because they will screw up your entire evening and kill your happy buzz! They just now realized the whole world is against them, and they are not being loved. If single they complain that they want to be in a relationship but they will never find anyone who will love them and they will end up old and alone surrounded by their cats. If in a relationship they will complain that they want to be single again and party all night long and have one-night stands. (which of course they won’t because that’s not in their sober nature)

  4. No boundaries, borderline aggressive: I have seen this phenomena with men as well as with women but in a different kind of way. The men I know in this group have lost the ability to filter the words coming out of their mouth and while they think that they are being tough and all alpha, they are just so juvenile in their expressions. They will talk the talk, but when it comes to walking the walk they rather run away very disorientated. They will raise their voice without any reason and want to be the centre of attention. I’m sorry guys, but that is not attractive whatsoever! The women I know can be the most gentle people when you are having coffee with them, but when they are drunk they think they rule the world and everyone in it. They will pick a fight and exaggerate over the smallest details, while trying to find someone to blame. All their insecurities come out, but in totally the wrong way. I don’t like those people.

The problem is that alcohol will enlarge either your best or your worst qualities. If you are a jealous type, you’ll totally go bezerk when you’re partner is giving a light to the cute blonde standing next to him. If you are insecure you’ll think everyone is against you and trying to ruin your night out. If you are the goofy kind, you’ll try to make everyone around you laugh (which I guess isn’t that bad, but just be sure you don’t embarrass yourself) If you are a romantic you’ll try to play the millionnaire matchmaker and getting your best friend a date.

And I’m sorry, but being drunk is not an excuse for any of this behavior. No matter how drunk I am, I still now very well what I’m doing or what is being said to me. How come so many people, men and women, say they don’t remember what happened the night before because they were drunk? Is it just an excuse? Know your limits people!! You are not doing anyone a favor by acting like you are someone you’re not! And you’ll definitely regret it in the morning.

Another theory is that the truth comes out when you’re drunk. That I can believe. Because you’re more emotional at that point and you don’t necessarily think about the consequences of what you’re saying.
My biggest problem when I’m drunk is that my cellphone is not aware of that. There should really be some kind of device on your cellphone that asks you if you’re sure you want to send this message, when it’s after one o’clock on a Saturdaynight. I don’t know why but when I’m drunk I just have to send a message to that one special guy who has no idea how much I like him. And sometimes we’ll start texting (or sexting like you may call it) and in the morning I always regret that it was (again) all about sex. They say women get horny when drunk, well, I can absolutely confirm that one! Again, it is, I guess, because of the diminishing boundaries. Well, as long as he does not complain about it, neither will I.

My point is: why can’t we just go out, talk, laugh, act crazy, forget our troubles for one night and go home with a good feeling? Because having a bad feeling on a night out will cause you to drink some more, you’ll feel even worse and in the morning you’ll wish you didn’t drink so much. So, if you do drink, try to keep it positive and most of all: try not to take someone else down in your fall. It’s not because you are having a crappy evening that you should ruin everyone else’s!

x

 

To be or not to be: Friends with benefits

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First of all: What are the rules?

For as far as my limited knowledge on the matter goes, it should be two single people willing to expose themselves to one another, who are friends and who also sleep together from time to time. No romantic feelings whatsoever…(because if that happens you’re either screwed or living a happily ever after)

I have several male friends who are having this kind of relationship with a woman and I am very grateful to them that they wanted to open up to me on the matter.

First observation: some of those men only have one FWB (Friend with benefits), other men have several. What’s the point in that? Isn’t that just complicating things? I’m starting to imagine an agenda-malfunction, having both girls standing in front of his door while he’s trying to make the best out of a very bad situation and thinking: ‘should I take advantage of the situation and suggest doing a threesome?’. I can’t image anyone needing more than one ‘special friend’, but hey, it’s not my life.

Second observation: We all know most men are not the best communicators. But when it comes to friends with benefits, all of them say that ‘communication’ is super important! And they do, they do communicate in that particular situation!! They are not afraid to tell the woman what they like, what they want, what the rules of the game are and discuss what would happen if the sex turns out not to be mind-blowing. These are no easy subjects to talk about, but yet, when it comes to casual sex I guess it’s easier for them to open up about it. When being in a relation you have something on the line, you are risking a connection to someone you love by saying or doing the wrong thing. I think that’s why it would be easier for everybody to communicate in a relationship without strings, without consequences.

And what’s very important: get out of there as soon as you notice some feelings coming to the surface! If it’s from your side, you could choose to talk about it and perhaps risking the feeling not being mutual and drawing the line there, but at least you won’t have to go through the devastating situation where you are having sex with someone you love but doesn’t love you back. I have a girlfriend who has been having sex with the man she has had a crush on for years …that’s just asking for your heart to bleed.

I have been single and yes, sexless, for quite some time now and although my whole body and mind is craving for some action, I just can’t do it. Is it because I’m a woman and we want more than just some casual sex? Is it because some of us are too aware of what we look like and just don’t dare showing all our flaws to somebody who is not our soulmate or lover? Is it because we think it would ruin the friendship we have? Is it because it’s not in our nature just to have sex without any cuddling, sleepovers or dates? Are we overthinking everything instead of just letting go and doing what we want? I know I’m like that but what’s everyone else’s opinion on that? Are we afraid we would fall in love or get attached? I have a lot of questions and unfortunately not enough answers.

The men I have talked to about this say that it’s easier for men to have sex without feelings than it is for a woman. But they also say that if we wanted to, we would be able to go home at any time with any guy..but then we’re talking about one night stands, which is a totally different discussion we’ll be having soon.

And you know what scares me the most? That while having this probably awesome sex with one of my friends, I would, in some way, close myself off for the real thing that could come along.

So for everyone out there with a FWB, good for you! Enjoy it while it lasts and while it doesn’t get too complicated.
For everyone who’s like me and would like to try it, but doesn’t dare, try to figure out what’s holding you back. But just one good advice: don’t try to be someone you’re not because of sex. When the right person comes along, you’ll feel it, you’ll know it! Someone to have fun with, someone you can communicate with about what you want and someone who will show you the time of your life while giving you the space to search for your significant other. And if you’ll learn some new tricks along the way, that’s just a bonus!

But just so you know: I really would like to just go for it, not think, but act! So if that ever happens, I’ll let you know

 

Do you believe in love at first sight?

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First of all: let’s take that literally.
It means you fall in love with somebody based on their looks (only that would be so superficial) AND on their aura. Knowing he’s the one (if such a thing exists) and you want to spend the rest of your life with and you want to have children with. Has someone ever experienced this? And how different is it for men and women?

There have been hundreds of articles written about the subject and some say men are more likely to fall in love at first sight than women, other articles mention it is a trick of the brain involving dopamine and endorphins. I can only tell my experience with this phenomena.

Seeing I’m a woman, I would think the majority of us could like someone within a second or feel attracted to them. But does it mean you’re in love?

I’ve read once that our behavior when it comes to finding a ‘mate’ is the same as it was centuries ago: we want someone who can provide for the family and make sure no harm would come to us. (I’m not so sure whether you had much choice in those times, seeing you were probably dragged to the cave by a hairy man holding you by your ponytail) 
What attracts a woman in a man varies from woman to woman (luckily because if not the number of cat fights would increase enormously). Some like smaller men so  their motherly feelings can go all bonkers on them. Other women are searching for a hero-type and will look for someone in whose arms they feel safe (ding ding ding, that’s me!!)
But let’s be honest: it’s not because a guy looks like the most hansom Neanderthal man you’ve ever seen that it also means he can provide, or he’s honest, or he will love and take care of you till the end of time. Anyone can screw you over, remember that!
I would think a woman won’t fall in love so quickly because she wants to know what he’s really like and if he is worth her devotion before ‘putting out’. So she’ll try to get to know him better, ask what his dreams and plans for the future are, does he have a job, is he trustworthy? So actually: are you good enough for me, will you love me and will you take care of our children? Which sounds kind of harsh, but that’s what it all comes down to.

I think that it is different for men. Men are more outspoken about their attraction to a woman. They can be turned on just by looking at a beautiful woman (I’m not saying this does not happen the other way around, I’m living proof of that one) strolling past them, showing a hint of a cleavage, wearing high heels which accentuates her long legs and swaying her pretty little (or big? I don’t know what they prefer right now seeing the Kim Kardashians of the world) ass. Which could mean they confuse sexual desire with love so they fall in love more quickly. But I would suppose that feeling of desire would wear off, no? And what happens next? Do they also get the feeling that this woman would be ideal to carry their children?

Falling in love is a beautiful thing; the butterflies in your tummy, the constant need to act like possessed rabbits, banging everywhere you possibly can, getting to know each others most irritating habits, being jealous when someone looks at your partner in what you consider to be a super offensive manner. Oh how I miss that 🙂

I was about 16 years old when I knew I’ve met the man of my life and it was love at first sight. Too bad I’m the only who saw something that day: he was big, broad-shouldered, had the most beautiful green eyes and just the perfect smile. When I saw him, crossing the street, I knew it was him! He would make me feel safe, he would adore me, I would take care of him in return for his love and we would live happily ever after.

Rise and shine sleeping beauty: those things don’t happen to you!

So here I am, 15 years later. I’ve never told him how I felt, I had two serious relationships in the meantime and every time I was single there was something inside me saying: you should have ended up with that guy!
Guess what: I still know him and we sometimes have contact and he is nothing like I imagined him to be.

What happened?
Did my Spidey sense play tricks on me and was my first impression wrong? Could be.
Was he the most gentle guy until some bitch screwed him over and scarred him for life? Most likely.
Is he really the guy I thought he was, but hiding his real self from me because he has problems opening up? I don’t know.

Once I figure out what happened with him, I will let you know if love at first sight exists (with a 16 year delay).

 

Let’s talk about some 50 colors

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I consider myself more or less an intelligent woman. I have a Bachelor degree, like to discuss about important (and let’s face it, less important) matters in life,  I love reading a good book and I know more about Emotional Intelligence than some of our Belgian’s finest.

Yet, when I dare mentioning how much I loved reading the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, everyone looks at me like I am a moron, a pervert or a freak!

What’s that all about? Is it really so surprising that someone who has enjoyed great British novels like ‘Little Women’ or the complete works of Shakespeare written in old English,could ever be able to read the words Erika Leonard James has put onto paper? What? Is it because there is sex involved? Or is it because it’s not plain vanilla sex, but kinky fuckery? In which era are we living in?

In the course of time I have done some research. I am very open when it comes to longing and lacking, sexual preferences, dreams, fantasies and so on. And actually so is almost everybody I know (great minds stick together).
So I asked them questions:
‘What are you looking for in a man?’. The answer was more or less always the same: ‘I want someone to protect me, someone who gives me the feeling he longs only for me, he has to have a great sense of responsibility, be independent and be a real man.
Next question: ‘What do you want in bed?’
Answer: I want a real alpha male. A guy who is not afraid to color outside the box, who will take control, who will pin me to the wall when I come home and just make love to me. I want a real man.
And this was all before these books ever came out! It’s just a reflection of what an ordinary 30 something woman wants in the bedroom.

So when speaking about their relationships they where in at that time, it became very clear to me that what they wanted, desired, needed, was very far from reality and from what they had. (Me, I am single, probably because I am such a pervert who reads books about domination, but more on that later on)

We have to face the facts: women are missing something in their relationship and instead of talking about it with their partner, they read and fantasize about it. One hundred million copies of these series have been sold worldwide! One hundred million! If that’s not a big flashing neon light sign that women crave for more in bed then just the standard missionary, I’m not sure what it is.

Okay, these books may not be literature of the highest level, but does it matter? Or maybe some of the scenes are a bit over the top while coming once, being screwed, coming again, being flogged and come again and again. I know that too.  But if a book gives you the opportunity to learn, to discover, to enjoy, to put your mind on something else, is it so important that it has to be of high standards? I don’t believe so. It opens up discussion. Women who have read the books will no doubt ask their partner to be more overpowering, if that’s what they like.

I’m not saying men everywhere should start beating up their women, definitely not!!! And to be honest, those parts of the books with all the paddling and whipping are not the most erotic. It’s when a man whispers into your ear: ‘I’m going to fuck you later’ . Or when you feel the electric charge between the two of you when riding an elevator. Or when you feel how much a man is craving for you by the way he’s looking at you.  Those situations are highly erotic and that is what women desire. They want to be completely intoxicated and they want to keep it fun in the bedroom. Same goes for the men out there of course! It doesn’t have to be just one-way route. It’s not the SM in the books that I long for personally, but I’m just dreaming away thinking of a man who could make me feel like I am perfect to him, someone who would be devastated without me and let’s be honest: a man who can give you so much pleasure in bed, wouldn’t you just do anything for him?

So conclusion of it all: I am very glad these books came because it seems to have opened a lot of discussion and the only way to a good and satisfying love life is through communication. So talk about what you and your partner want in life, in bed, in the future, because that’ s the only way for the both of you not to walk around frustrated thinking everyone else has a better love life than you do.

And just not to upset anyone: to those of you who are completely happy with their love life: congratulations, you are part of an elite group of women and men that have find the right way through life.  To those of you who didn’t like the books: be honest with yourselves and admit that there were some parts that gave you the giggles down under?

And to those who say these books are a good example of what’s going on in an abusive relationship: she knew what she was getting into, she could get out whenever she wanted to, without any consequences. But guess what: she fell in love! And something much bigger: she enjoyed the fuck out of her new life. It’s not for me, being beaten and bondage, but everyone it’s own pleasure, okay?

If that makes me a freak: please join the club because it is wonderfully liberating out here!

 

Welcome to my twisted mind

Like so many others I feel the urge to put all those twisted, crazy, lame, fantastic thoughts that continuously go around in my head, onto paper. Since typing is the new writing, I’m joining the enormous club of people who have decided to express themselves via blogging.

I am a very normal 30 something woman with just one purpous in life: enjoying it while it lasts. Everybody does this in his or her own way.
Me, I like to overanalyze, thinking too much, wondering all kind of outcomes to every decision I make. And I guarantee you, this sometimes leads to very ridiculous, hilarious, mindbraking plots.

Everything I write, whether it is poetry or just plain texts, has a source. Whether it’s something that happened in real life, now and in the past, or someone who crossed my path and made an impression on me, good or bad.

Most of all, I’m doing this for myself, because putting words onto paper helps me see things in perspective. I won’t ask you to try and comprehend what I’m writing and posting, because explaining where it comes from would take me forever and as I learned the hard way: nothing lasts forever.